Explaining adoption

Adoption is a sensitive subject. But approaching the subject, regardless of who is asking the questions, with a clear and comfortable understanding of your own personal feelings will ease in the discussion. The more confident parents are, the more willing children will be to share their thoughts and feelings and the more relaxed family and friends will feel.

Children

There are different approaches to discussing adoption with children. Some parents prefer to wait until children are older believing their understanding will be more complete. Others believe that a child should never remember a time when they didn't know about their adoption. Regardless of the route that your family chooses on when and how, it is important to remember that a child should not be told once about their adoption, but talked with throughout each of the stages of childhood development. The key is to provide a comfortable, accepting atmosphere in which a child can communicate the questions they are thinking about and get the answers they are searching for. Linda Bothun, author of "When Friends Ask About Adoption - Question and Answer Guide for Non-Adoptive Parents and Other Caring Adults" offers several suggestions for talking about adoption with children:

• Attempt to be honest without burdening children with more information than they are able to cope with at a given time.

• Don't read more into a question than is actually there.

• Deal with the children's emotions about adoption; emotions which usually appear at various phases of their understanding.

• Decide what information should be shared with siblings and friends and what is strictly private (for the adopted child only).

Family and Friends

The topic of adoption is often initiated casually by family and friends in private as well as in very public places. Adoptive parents are forced to develop a comfort level for discussing adoption, often in their children's presence and before they understand the concept. Choosing words carefully in order to protect children's privacy, comprehension and self-esteem are vital. The outdated language used sometimes in questions (for example "real parents" or "own" children) may seem insensitive or hurtful, but is more a result of the lack of familiarity with correct adoption language. Usually a sincere interest is hidden behind an awkward remark. And, an angry or harsh parental response will cause more grief and doubt to a listening child than anything a friend or family member might say.

Dealing with the feelings of others

Discussing adoption with others always provides the opportunity to educate. Dealing with their feelings and attitudes, however, can be challenging. Keep in mind that children learn from the responses and reactions they witness. Honest, calm parenting outweighs any negative, external contributions. Some suggestions for reacting to the impressions of others:

• Address misconceptions and prejudicial comments.

• Focus on adoption; don't let the conversation revolve around an individual child.

• Encourage the discussion at a later date (or by phone/e-mail).

• Protect children from and teach them how to respond to comments of victimization - the idea of "being saved," "the lucky child" or "having a better life".

• Take advantage of every opportunity to teach others about adoption.